You’ve finally found the special person to settle down and start the rest of your life with. It seems to be a perfect match and you couldn’t imagine anyone else by your side. But before you make the life long commitment, total transparency is key for the successful and joyous marriage you have always wanted. And although you are itching to stroll down the aisle, there may be some outlying conversations you have yet to have. Some may have been ignored or forgotten, and some may have been too uncomfortable to bring up.
Does your significant other have a secret student loan they have never mentioned? How about their thoughts on the methods to raise your three (or one, or maybe five) children? It’s possible you have dreamed about a small backyard wedding surrounded by strung up lights, but have you discussed religion and how that will effect the ceremony?
Covering all of your bases can help unite you and your soon to be spouse, and subsequently dodge some of the speed bumps you may encounter down the line. Below we’ll go over the five uncomfortable things you must talk about (and agree on) before getting married.
Money and Debt
Even though the old adage states ‘money doesn’t buy happiness’, it can however cause quite a headache if your finances are kept hidden behind an awkward conversation. “According to a study from Utah State University, fighting about finances is a top predictor of divorce, with couples who fight frequently being 30 percent more likely to divorce than those who rarely argue.” Obviously avoiding this sort of conflict will have a direct correlation to the overall happiness in your marriage.
If you are trying to fund your own wedding, knowing each others financial health is a crucial step in preparing for your special day. Whether it’s the week-to-week budgeting, or your plans for retirement, having an open conversation about your finances is a necessary step before marriage. This will add an extra layer of transparency and trust to your relationship, giving you the confidence to tackle life’s biggest monetary responsibilities.
Debt and Financial Commitments
Taking into account your partners and your own financial history is an important part of planning for your future. Having a conversation about money extends further than just their yearly salary or what savings you both currently have. It’s possible your soon-to-be spouse has a nagging student loan or car payment that has yet to be paid off. If they have kids from a previous relationship, child support or similar payments may be a monthly deduction to take into consideration. Supporting relatives, credit card debt, or even something as simple as monthly subscriptions to Netflix or Hulu are all things to discuss when it comes to those hidden financial obligations. Honesty about all spending habits, however seemingly inconsequential, will paint a clearer picture of your planned expenses.
Credit Scores
Being transparent about your credit history is imperative when it comes to your post marriage decisions. Do you have ideas for a mortgage on your dream home, while your partner’s credit history will mean renting for the foreseeable future? These are pivotal points to discuss prior to marriage so your goals are in sync. Sharing your credit reports and scores (or finding out what they are yourself) can be an easy way to align your future plans. A simple credit check can solve a mountain of stress in the near future.
Career and Retirement Plans
Discussing the longevity of your professional careers will shed some light on your plans for your life post retirement. Your current retirement savings and contributions, career path, or whether one of you plans on being a stay at home parent can all be great talking points prior to marriage. It could be possible that your significant other has grand plans for a career switch mid-life. Having transparency about your personal goals when it comes to your work life can greatly affect the success of your home life.
Budgeting and Joint/Separate Accounts
Establishing a new budget and how you plan on dividing expenses as a newly married couple can alleviate future headaches and uncomfortable conversations down the road. One of the more common points of contention is deciding on whether you plan to have joint or separate bank accounts for your future expenses. And as it pertains to the latter; how you will divvy up those expenses equally between yourselves? Perhaps one of you plans on being a homemaker while the other is the breadwinner. Discussing how you plan on budgeting and dispersing your funds prior to marriage will set a clear path for your future. While money isn’t everything, a conversation surrounding it shouldn’t be ignored or postponed.
Sexual Compatibility
You may have an idea of how well you mesh sexually at the moment, but as your relationship evolves so will the sex. Compatibility (or the lack thereof) translates to the success or failure of a long term relationship. Being vocal about your needs and desires now can save a turbulent realization later in life. Sexual fulfillment is a life long aspect to marriage, so the importance of confronting the topic now is immeasurable.
Sexual Drive
One of the more obvious and common problems can stem from differences in libido level. Due to the fact your libido will often change as you get older, being as honest as possible about your current sexual drive can keep the lines of communication open about the topic for years to come. While you may both have similar needs now, women can have a decline in libido at a rate of two to three times as much as men. Being able to address this topic before and after marriage will only add to the health and stability of your relationship.
Sexual Preferences
Similar to the importance of communicating your sexual drive, what specifically you enjoy during sex can also be an uncomfortable factor to discuss when determining romantic chemistry. Being communicative about the different ways you enjoy sex, or any specific “kinks” or fetishes can be an illuminating conversation prior to the commitment of marriage. Although it can be slightly awkward, exploring all the different interests of your partner will pay dividends long term. No stone should be left un-turned when discussing your sexual desires, because the lack of premarital transparency could cause major friction post marriage.
Religion
There are certain fundamental views and opinions that will greatly affect compatibility with your partner, and your faith will often top the list. Religious beliefs can frequently influence a wide variety of choices throughout life. Understanding and accepting the beliefs of your partner, or ideally agreeing with them, can avoid a litany of different complications. In regards to marriage, 44% of adults remarked similar religious beliefs were “very important”. While one of the most difficult topics to breach in the early stages of a relationship, its influence on your future is immense.
Passing on Your Faith
Having similar or differing religious views will greatly impact the choices you make when raising your children. If you have different religious backgrounds or beliefs, preparing for how you will pass on those beliefs to your child is an important conversation to have prior to marriage. Having respect for your significant other’s beliefs, while also imparting that same mindset to your child should be a priority. Determining which religious views you choose to pass on or the varying traditions you’ll follow are better discussed as early as possible. Certain religious traditions such as Baptism take place early in a child’s life, so figuring out which parts of your faith you choose to pass on should happen sooner rather than later. According to the Pew Research Center, 53% of those raised by one Catholic parent and one unaffiliated parent identified as Catholic themselves. With the results literally split down the middle, it is clear your child will find influence equally between you and your future spouse.
Handling Life’s Dilemmas
Hardships throughout a marriage are inevitable, and how you choose to approach those conflicts will be determined based on your agreements of faith. Many people choose to rely on their faith for support through trying times, so being able to respect your partners beliefs while also adhering to your own will be invaluable. Whether it is the loss of a loved one or loss of employment, knowing the ins and outs of their beliefs will always prove beneficial. Ignoring this discussion prior to marriage can be a roadblock in supporting each other during these conflicts, which only adds fuel the the fire.
Children
Often considered the biggest “deal breaker” when it comes to compatibility prior to marriage, the conversation surrounding kids should be on every checklist of soon to be newlyweds. Disagreeing on whether you’d like a family of five, or in contrast simply a family of two, could mean all the difference in the success of your marriage. Below are some factors to consider when beginning the conversation around your future family.
Your Career
Some couples may have goals to reach the pinnacle of professional success, but it all hedges on your cohesiveness on the ideal family size. If your career requires you to relocate to another country, the size of your family can determine the feasibility. Nearly 75% of working parents have stated not having enough time for their child, according to the New York City Comptrollers report. Long hours, stressful work environments, and financial viability should all be considered when discussing your future family. An erratic career could also mean erratic paychecks, so the affordability between a big and small family is a vital talking point.
Parenting Styles
Do you plan on having a strict parenting style? Or do you think you’ll have more of a lassez-faire attitude? Knowing how you’ll raise your child is the next stepping stone in the conversation. Being compatible as a couple is one thing, but being compatible as parents requires a little more thought and consideration. Big decisions such as your child’s education, or small ones such as when they’ll get their first cell phone can prove to be points to butt heads over. Hashing out the landmark decisions in advance will provided a united stance when dealing with the complicated task of raising your child.
Intellectual Compatibility
It can be hard to address in the beginning of a relationship whether or not you and your partner have “intellectual compatibility.” Feelings of infatuation can often cloud your judgment as to whether you and your partner are mentally attracted to each other. And while raw emotion and romance can hold you over in the early stages of a relationship, marriage is a long and tumultuous road that will require an intellectual component for success.
Talking about intellect can be a very touchy subject. However, with feelings pushed aside, it is a true premarital litmus test that can help decide the future of your relationship.
Depth of Conversation
While small talk can carry us through the majority of our day, having deep and meaningful conversations is a strong indicator of intellectual compatibility. Being able to converse outside of day-to-day chit chat is a signal of trust in your relationship. An unwillingness to talk outside your comfort zone can lead to major discrepancies deeper into your relationship. And when these difficult topics eventually arise, it can lead to an unavoidable confrontation.
Tackling this problem as soon as it is recognized can lead to a healthier level of communication before and after marriage. Don’t be a afraid of minor disputes, because being able to speak freely about more challenging topics can shine a light on the strengths of your relationship.
Lack of Conversation
While it may seem obvious, relationships based purely around intimacy often lack the intellectually stimulating aspects found in strong marriages. Sexual advances during otherwise meaningful conversation by your partner can be an indicator of intellectual disparity. The lack of mental connection can result in an inadequacy felt by your significant other, with them defaulting to a more romantic connection to fill the void.
Competitiveness and Tension
Even though your differences in personality can benefit a long term relationship, an overwhelming level of combativeness in conversation can be an indicator of intellectual incompatibility. Interrupting, one-upmanship, boredom, or a diminished lack of intellectual self-worth are all issues which require attention before you take the leap into marriage. Many of these combative feelings can be a gateway into doubting your own beliefs.
If you find yourself having stimulating conversation without feeling compromised in your own views, these can be signs that you share a level playing field intellectually. Smaller signs of compatibility would be sharing similar interests, an equal vocabulary, or an excitement when discussing a range of topics with your partner.
Conclusion
The fear of sparking unknown problems can give pause to any budding relationship with their eyes firmly affixed on the alter. Jumping blindly head first into a life long marriage does seem like the more convenient method–at least for the time being. However as a whole, millenials have caught wind to the mistakes made by the divorce riddled previous generation. As stated by the World Economic Forum, “… millennials – and some Gen Xers – are choosing to marry once they have completed their education, have established their careers and have sound finances.”
And although there has been a slight drop in marriage rates, it seems as though newlyweds are approaching their relationships with more tact and restraint.
There are no secrets to the ideal wedding, marriage, family, or happy life. All of the successful things you hope for your future will take a bit of preparation and work. In the case of preparing for marriage, it will at least take a bit of uncomfortable conversation and reflection.
Knowing your partner and their goals, apprehensions, weaknesses, strengths and everything in between will add to the necessary preparation before marriage. And by no means does this exclude yourself from the same honest reflection. The two way street of communication is a necessary function in the pursuit of a fruitful marriage.
So when it comes time to have a chat with your significant other about all the pivotal topics, don’t hold anything back. Mention whether you want four kids or possibly none at all. Don’t plan on hiding that one credit card bill that you just can’t seem to pay off. Maybe your sexual appetite isn’t as boundless as you make it out to be. It’s possible you aren’t the type for a big church wedding, and instead opt for a more simplistic backyard affair with your own arch.
Any hangups, concerns, expectations or beliefs should be openly discussed when marching towards your special day. Greeting these topics with an open mind and a degree of honesty will create a healthy foundation for the rest of your life.
